An Alien's Guide to the Human Species Read online

  Caroline, whispered to herself. ‘Bye, son, good luck.’ And made her way to drop Jemima off with the child minder.

  Max. ‘There are all different sorts of education systems in place on earth. But in this one, the earliest Jack’s education can end is errrrm, his 16th birthday. Time for a break now, before the outtakes, then next week we’ll see how Jack’s getting on with his learning.’

  Chapter 14

  On Largo the Terrybox went to a break and in Bobby and Flora’s living room, there was stunned silence. The whole family were shocked that Caroline had left Jack at the nursery until he reached age 16.

  Nectarine, the youngest started crying. ‘But Mummy, that’s 12 earth years or more, that’s not right, poor Jack.’

  Adding up was not one of Nectarine’s good points.

  Flora was fighting to hold back the tears herself and didn’t want to upset her offspring further. She cuddled the crying Nectarine who seemed inconsolable as the adverts finished and the programme restarted.

  Max had received a message that the Terries were upset and had misinterpreted what would happen to Jack.

  ‘There seems to have been a misunderstanding. Jack doesn’t have to stay in school for all those years. He can go home when it gets dark each day!’

  The viewers on Largo sighed with relief.

  *****

  As the children grew, the house seemed to shrink and Caroline broached the subject of a move with Phil.

  ‘But, sweetheart, we can’t really afford to move yet. Let’s wait until Jemima’s a little older, then we’ll look for a bigger place.’

  ‘That’s fine, darling, but I don’t feel comfortable making love with Jemima sleeping in our room. We’ll have to put that side of life on hold for a while.’

  ‘Let’s not be too hasty, sweetheart.’ Phil started drumming his fingers on his leg. ‘I’ll have another look at the finances and see if we can afford it.’

  Max. ‘Within 3 months they’d found their ideal home and were ready to move.’

  Phil’s parents were looking after Jack and Jemima for the day so that Phil and Caroline could sort the move out without any distractions.

  ‘I’ll miss this place.’ Caroline looked around the chaos of the living room. It was pretty much like every other room in the house at the moment with boxes stacked neatly around the room, the contents marked in bold black pen and furniture and other items too big to be packed waiting to be taken to their new home. There were marks on the walls where pictures and photographs had hung

  Phil put his arm around his wife. ‘Cheer up, love, I’m sure we’ll be really happy in the new house and there’s more room for the kids to grow.’

  ‘You’re right, but this place has a lot of good memories.’

  ‘And we’ll make plenty more at the new place. Come on, here’s the truck.’

  They looked out of the window as Big Bill took a final drag of his cigarette and stubbed it out on the wall. Phil opened the door before he rang the bell. ‘Ay up, Phil. Good to go?’

  Phil nodded his head and the removal team went about their business.

  Max had sent a platoon of Jacoby spiders to recce the new house and an advanced party had set up a temporary Ops Room at the new place. Max intended to personally close down the operation in the current home and would set-up the permanent Ops Room on arrival at the new home.

  Caroline looked at the mountain of boxes that needed to be emptied. ‘Shall we make a start or collect the children first?’

  ‘Let’s get the kids rooms done and that’ll make it easier for them to settle.’

  For the humans, the move to the new house was a success except for one broken lamp, a curtain which was burnt by Big Bill when he lit a cigarette and dropped it, and a broken bedstead which Big Bill sat on to smoke his cigarette.

  It was a different story for the spiders who took a while to become accustomed to their new surroundings.

  One of the new neighbours, Mrs Parker, was the owner of Barnaby, a very curious cat. Barnaby also appeared to be quite stupid. After the first incursion into the spiders’ part of the new garden, Julian and his team quickly set-up a perimeter fence using their spider string and reinforced it with electricity. Despite receiving a number of electric shocks, Barnaby still insisted on trying to get into the Ops Room. On one occasion, Julian had prodded Barnaby with an old fork and Mrs Parker had complained to Caroline.

  ‘He returned from your garden limping with a bleeding leg. Your young lad must have stabbed him.’ Mrs Parker’s grandson had pushed her over to the Gibsons’ house in her wheelchair.

  ‘I can assure you, Mrs Parker that my son is a very loving child and would never hurt any animal.’ Caroline folded her arms. ‘Barnaby must have been injured elsewhere and I suggest you stop him from roaming freely.’

  They eventually parted on good terms after Caroline made Mrs Parker a cup of tea and listened patiently while she told her all about her aches and pains.

  *****

  Max was keen for the Terries to be given information about education systems and their consequences in this part of the world.

  He introduced the next show. ‘Remember last week Jack started nursery school? Well, I’m pleased to tell you that his Mother did pick him up at the end of the nursery school day and he soon learned to adjust to the new routine. However, we have learnt that some parents do take their children to school and leave them there for months on end. This is called boarding school.’

  ‘Humans are different to Terries and boarding school is considered normal practice in some areas. The children get picked up at school holiday time and, when they’re older if they didn’t enjoy the school experience, some of them write sad songs about it…’

  A James Blunt lookalike in a concert arena, playing to a huge crowd appeared on the screen. He was singing a sad song and the cameras panned to various female members of the audience who were crying gently.

  Max. ‘Not a pleasant experience for the singer but lots of children enjoy their boarding school experience. Now back to Jack’s family.’

  Jack had successfully completed his time at the Three Bears Nursery and had started Parkview Primary School to begin his formal education. He had settled in well and made lots of friends (except for one day when he pulled the pony tail of a girl so hard that he made her cry and his mother had to take him home).

  The spiders were preparing to film Jack’s first school sports day. Max wanted to get as many involved as possible. The occasional day out was good for team morale, even if they had to work. While Vicky’s camera gave the Terries a 360 view, Max started the commentary.

  Max. ‘Some schools like to have sports and open days which consist of parents visiting the school, watching some of their children taking part in sporting events and even joining in with some of them. The idea of these days is for the parents to get to know each other, their children’s teachers and to see how their children have progressed and for everyone, especially the children, to have fun (fun makes humans very happy). Sometimes the parents pretend that the races are not that important and that they are in the race for fun, but sometimes, the fun can backfire.’

  It was a perfect summer day for a change. Beautiful blue sky with the occasional white fluffy cloud scudding by. The sun was shining warmly on the sports field, the birds were chirping happily in the row of trees behind the field, and the light breeze ensured people were not uncomfortable in the glorious weather. Part of the field was roped off and the children and adults who were not competing were standing behind the rope waiting for something to happen. The children and parent competitors were getting ready to race in the events. The teachers were milling around trying to look confident but those who’d been at the school for more than a year were feeling nervous, not knowing what to expect this year.

  Mrs English the Deputy Head was dressed in a flowery frock and wearing a knitted cardigan despite the warm weather. She pushed her glasses back up the bridge of her nose and put the loud hailer to her mouth
. Loving the excitement of the annual sports day she called for attention so that she could announce the first event. Unfortunately, not all her colleagues shared her enthusiasm.

  ‘The first race of the day is the Egg and Spoon Race. Competitors and spectators should make their way to the race start. Quickly please.’

  The parents jostled for the best place to view their children racing which was along the sideline behind the rope. Lined up ready to start, each child was holding a spoon with an egg on it, the other hand behind their back to stop them from cheating.

  The 8 children were ready and Mrs English raised herself to her full height. ‘On your marks, get set… Jason Phillips, get back to the starting line there’s a good boy, we haven’t started the race yet.’

  Mr Phillips was watching from the sideline and was not impressed. He called to Mrs English. ‘He wasn’t over the start line, you notice what he’s doing coz he’s so tall.’

  Jack was the tallest in his class, but Jason was also very tall and looked much older than he was. Consequently, everyone noticed him and he couldn’t get away with anything.

  Mrs English was not impressed. ‘Mr Phillips, I’m in charge of this race and any more from you and I’ll ban you from watching.’

  The loud hailer made Mrs English feel very important and she occasionally got carried away.

  Mr Phillips was astounded and about to give Mrs English a piece of his mind when Leroy Williams, a very laid back father of one of the other pupils, put his arm around his shoulder and told him it wasn’t worth getting excited about. Everyone calmed down and the racers prepared to start. The children were concentrating and Mrs English shouted. ‘On your marks, get set... Go’.

  Off they raced and Jason Phillips went quickly into the lead, closely followed by Jack. Robert Steele’s father pushed through to the front of the spectators where he could see what was happening. He shouted from the sideline.

  ‘Come on, son, you can catch ‘em’.

  Robert, in third place in the next lane to Jason, thrust his foot forward and Jason flew into the air landing on the soft grass, his chances of winning the race were over. Jack slowed to a stop to see if his friend was OK and by the time he started running again, the race was over. Mr Phillips was absolutely furious. He pulled himself up to his full height and approached Mr Steele. The now quieter Mr Steele slunk back into the crowd and headed towards the finish line to congratulate his son. Leroy Williams put an arm around Jason’s Dad and guided him towards where his son was sitting on the grass. Jason was being fussed over by Mrs English, Miss Wilson the lovely Art and PT teacher, and another of the other younger female teachers. Jason loved the attention. He smiled at his father and Mr Phillips calmed down when he saw that his son was OK.

  The next event was the three-legged race.

  Mrs Johnson was a bit disappointed as her identical twins were not able to compete in the race. They were getting over chickenpox but were no longer contagious. Mrs English had barred them from competing for health and safety reasons. Consequently, Hazel and Lucy were milling around the sports field feeling left out and bored, and looking for ways to create havoc.

  Mr Phillips and Jason were competing against Robert Steele and his father and six other pairs, including Mrs Byrne and her daughter Sophie. Unfortunately Jack’s father couldn’t get time off work to go to sports day and his mother was helping Mrs English, so Jack couldn’t compete in the race. Mrs Byrne was very competitive but knew there was no way she and Sophie could go fast enough to beat Mr Phillips and Jason. After inspection by the race official at the start of the race, Mrs Byrne sneakily lifted Sophie’s leg and re-tied their legs so that Sophie’s leg didn’t touch the floor. The race started and Jason and his Dad went quickly into the lead. The Steeles tried to get close to them but Mr Phillips was determined to win the race after what happened in the egg and spoon race, and to restore his family honour. Mr Steele realised they weren’t going to catch the leaders, so targeted Mrs Byrne and her daughter Sophie, who were in second place. There was no way he wanted to be beaten by females.

  Max looked at Vicky. ‘How do I explain this behaviour? The Terries will think we’re exaggerating and won’t believe it.’ He lifted a leg to his mouth and started chewing the end of it.’

  ‘Don’t do that, Max, it’s not very becoming.’

  ‘Sorry.’ He put his leg back on the floor and looked at Vicky.

  She returned his stare. He looked so vulnerable at times.

  ‘Sometimes, you have to tell it how it is.’

  He nodded, took a breath and spoke into the recorder.

  ‘Some of the male humans are still a bit backward and find it difficult to cope with female humans who may be faster, better, or more intelligent than they are. In some societies on Earth, females have to pretend that they’re less clever, in order to make the males feel better!’

  ‘That wasn’t so bad was it?’ Vicky smiled.

  Max was waiting for a pat on the head which didn’t transpire.

  Vicky thought the Terries had it just about right then mentally compared the similarities between her species and humans. She purposely hadn’t told Max about her Kerfong training as she knew his natural instinct was to protect her because she was female. Vicky wouldn’t let anyone come to harm by not using Kerfong techniques, but wondered if it was time to come completely clean with Max.

  She steeled herself. ‘I’ve got something to tell you.’

  Max could see how serious Vicky looked and was concerned. He wasn’t yet ready to start a family. Here goes.

  ‘Are you pregnant?’ He swallowed nervously.

  Vicky laughed. ‘I certainly am not. I thought we agreed to wait quite a while?’

  They didn’t know how long they’d be on Earth and were also enjoying each other’s company so didn’t want to start breeding yet.

  ‘OK, Vic, so what is it?’

  Before Vicky had a chance to respond, Junior appeared.

  ‘There’s a major drama, Boss. It’s going to make great footage.’

  Max looked at Vicky and shrugged.

  ‘It’ll keep.’ She said and they made their way back to the race.

  Mr Steele discreetly guided Robert to the right where Mrs Byrne and Sophie were slightly in front of them. Jason and his Dad crossed the line first and the crowd cheered.

  Jack had stopped looking at the race and noticed the twins untying the lead of the Phillips Golden Labrador, Chuck, when they thought nobody was looking. The dog ran over to Jason and his father, covering them with big licks.

  While the crowd were focussing on the winner, Mr Steele bumped into the Byrnes and over they fell. He didn’t expect them to fall right in front of him and Robert tripped and brought his father down with him. This had a domino effect and caused other racers to pile into them and fall over. Carnage ensued and Chuck the Labrador thought it was a big game. He ran and took a big leap onto the pile of people. Mrs English, worried about the school being sued, screamed, turned completely pale, and fainted. Mr Steele dragged himself from out of the pile of people and shouted.

  ‘I demand a re-race, everyone should be disqualified. We need to race again!’

  The crowd start booing and shouting at him and the other teachers soon appeared to calm things down and to help Mrs English. A St John’s Ambulance assistant arrived to check over Mrs English who sat up on the grass with her legs open looking dazed. Robert Steele started shouting.

  ‘Mrs English is wearing bloomers, Mrs English is wearing bloomers...’

  Mrs English regained her composure and stood up, aided by the St John’s Ambulance assistant. ‘Robert Steele, come with me and bring your father’.

  ‘Er, lovely day Mrs English isn’t it.’ Commented Mr Steele as he followed Mrs English.

  ‘Yes, Mr Steele.’ She replied. ‘Beautiful weather, now come here, we need to talk.’

  The last event of the day involved a team relay race. Each of the 6 teams included two children, a teacher and parent. One child would star
t the race and another run the final leg.

  Jack was in the team with Sophie Byrne, her mother and Mr Gordon. Mr Gordon’s big belly had fought its way out of his shorts and was taking up the space where his t-shirt ended and shorts began.

  ‘Midriff Mr Gordon.’ Mrs English nodded to his middle and Mr Gordon pulled his t-shirt down over his belly. Unfortunately within a few seconds the belly was proudly displaying itself again and throughout the whole afternoon Mrs English had felt the need to remind Mr Gordon to cover up. Jason Philips and his Dad were in another team with Janet Williams. Everyone thought they were the favourites to win until Mrs English had announced that she was in their team. Jason and Janet’s fathers tried to prepare their children for disappointment and Mrs Byrne tried to change the teacher in their team and was told off for bad sportsmanship.

  Mrs English had decided that Miss Wilson and the other young teachers, including Caroline, could not compete in the race as that would give their teams an unfair advantage. Consequently, the teacher competitors were all either older, larger, or had minor afflictions. Mrs English handed Miss Wilson the loud hailer.

  ‘Now, young lady. I’ve thought long and hard about who should have this responsibility and you’ve proved yourself a worthy candidate.’ Miss Wilson bit her bottom lip, trying to control the laughter that was bubbling up inside her like a volcano. She looked down and muttered her thanks to Mrs English, and made like she was intimately inspecting the loud hailer.

  And they were off. Sophie was like a little whippet and easily passed all the other children on the first leg. By the time she handed the baton to her mother, their team was way out in front. Mrs Byrne was also a fast runner but was being chased down by Mr Philips. She was in the lead when she approached Mr Gordon for the baton handover. Conscious of his belly due to the nagging from Mrs English, he’d pulled his shorts up as high as they would go trying to hide the protuberance. Mr Gordon had the baton and ran for his life. His shorts were wedged into his backside and each butt cheek looked like a separate mountainous jelly, wobbling independently of each other. Both adult and children spectators found this very entertaining and poor Mr Gordon was a laughing stock. That was until Mrs English took the baton. Her bloomers had slipped down and she had to stop and hoist them up. To her total and utter dismay the spectators gave her a massive round of applause. For the remainder of her race-leg, the hand not carrying the baton was firmly attached to her waist, holding her bloomers up through her dress. Jack and Jason were still waiting for the baton change when the other teams were already approaching the finish. Mr Gordon handed over to Jack and he finished second last. Jason Philips put in a valiant effort but finished the race in last place. Many of the spectators had become bored by this stage and had wandered off to the gazebo for the prizegiving.