An Alien's Guide to the Human Species Read online

  AN ALIEN’S GUIDE TO THE

  HUMAN SPECIES

  By Deb McEwan

  The right of Deb McEwan to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by her in accordance with the copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

  All characters in this publication are fictitious and any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

  Copyright Deb McEwan 2013

  Dedication. To my friends, editor and wonderful husband Allan. Thanks for listening.

  Chapter 1

  Earth 1950s. The popular BBC Radio Sitcom I Say Old Chap! was being listened to in kitchens and front rooms all over the UK.

  It was Philip Gibson’s favourite show and he chuckled to himself. He finished brushing his boots then stood up, stretched and went back into the kitchen.

  ‘Put kettle on, love, I could murder a cuppa.’

  Margaret smiled. After many years together big Phil’s laughter always made her happy. She put the kettle on the stove and thought about their son, Trevor, the miracle child who was born despite the doctors telling Margaret she’d never be a mother. Trevor was out playing Cowboys and Indians with his friends. The surgery to separate his fingers had been successful and nobody called him names anymore. He was able to fire the toy gun like all the other boys and now no longer considered a freak; they all wanted to be on Trevor’s side. He towered over the rest of them, and would be very tall, just like his father.

  The skies were dark, the streets were grey and the red brick houses stood out in this sepia world, like dinosaurs in a restaurant, and it wasn’t just human beings who were listening to the broadcast.

  Planet 1102711/3 roughly translated into most Earth languages as Largo, was smaller than Earth. The hilly land was barren and covered with bright rocks and stones, like the colours of a set in a children’s TV show. Silver dome-shaped buildings were liberally dotted over large parts of the planet; no semi-detached or terraced homes for the inhabitants of Largo. The residents could see out of the silver domes, but those outside couldn’t see in. The doors were made of their lighter coloured rocks and were colour-coded to match the families who lived inside. Largo had two suns and three moons. Its inhabitants could breathe the toxic air without assistance, just like they could on any other planet they’d visited. During the solar storm season, the Largo inhabitants moved underground, and unless the storms were really bad, most of them survived. If humans entered Largo’s atmosphere without specialised breathing equipment, they would die. If they entered during the solar storm season, they’d be reduced to hot ash in a matter of seconds, bones, teeth an’ all.

  The Largo residents were designated 121s, or Terries in Earth language. There was a buzz of excitement about the news that the Deputy Chief Astronomer, known as 34, had picked up radio waves from an unknown faraway planet which was proof of life – what sort of life was still to be established. He had passed the recording of I Say Old Chap! to 71 the Chief Astronomer.

  The Terry Government met to discuss the discovery and decided to send an advanced probe into space. The probe returned twenty five Earth years later. During that period, Largo engineers had worked hard on the space travel programme and were now in a position to send probes and vehicles back and forth to Earth much faster, and to visit different time zones. The government ordered its scientists to obtain further information from the new planet and what followed was the beginning of the Terry investigation of planet Earth.

  *****

  A number of Terry drones were sent to remote places on Earth to collect earth, air and water samples. One of them had gone awry and had caused some confusion in Graylesford. 37 people had contacted the police that night and the Desk Officer, Sgt Donald was fed-up. The sightings were inconsistent and varied from reports of a cylindrical type craft of about 5 feet long with shiny yellow and red lights, to the full-on alien sighting of a supposedly 3 foot tall silver alien saying phone home. This last one had come in from Mac, a local drunk who wanted to add to the chaos.

  Sgt Donald had also dealt with 5 assaults, a suspected flasher and a missing dog. He’d sent 2 constables to investigate the alleged UFO sightings to no avail. Roll on the morning when he could go home and get away from all this madness, to some well deserved kip!

  When the other drones eventually returned to Largo, the scientists replicated the Earth’s conditions in a number of their laboratories to see whether their own inhabitants would be able to survive if sent there.

  After a lengthy period of observation, The Terry government and scientists made a number of communication attempts with the inhabitants of the newly discovered planet. Unfortunately, none of the animal species contacted were able to communicate with the Terry translator device.

  While contemplating their next move a breakthrough was made in the form of a whale named Alfred. Alfred had been highly amused by the Terry initial attempts at contact. However, he soon became bored by their pathetic efforts. It was time to educate them so Alfred intercepted one of the Terry voice messages and added his response. He sent an anonymous message explaining that humans thought they were the Earth’s supreme species and that whales and dolphins were happy for them to believe this for the time-being – especially as they were water-bound and hadn’t yet worked out a way to live successfully out of the water. Alfred went on to explain the nature of life on earth and told the Terries that humans could and would exhibit strange behaviour at the best of times. He suggested that it would be best for Terries to study humans before attempting to make contact. This message was relayed back to the Terry government who held a meeting with the scientists and planet’s media moguls.

  The observations continued and the Terries had begun to learn a little more about life on Earth and the customs and culture of some of its inhabitants. Terries, formerly identified by family numbers, decided to adopt the human practise of using names instead. Their Government organised a massive advertising campaign to inform all Terries of this change and the population was excited by this new idea. Each family, and individual who did not belong to a family group, had been given a name book.

  The Chief of Terryvision decided to call himself Haggis Fanshawe.

  Haggis had an idea and approached the Terry Minister for Media, Tree Henderson. After consultation with Rodney Riverbank the Prime Minister, it was agreed that Haggis would be allowed to make two documentaries so that all Terries would be educated in the ways of the newly discovered planet and its inhabitants. The Minister agreed that this may prove useful in case of future visits or invasions.

  The first series would be a brief history about the evolution of the planet, giving the Terries their first experience of Earth’s inhabitants, spectacular vistas, lush landscapes and geography. The second about the inhabitants who thought they were the supreme beings.

  The Terries were not yet in a position to send their own species to film the documentaries and had to find an alternative solution.

  *****

  The Largo Ministry of Science dome consisted of long corridors off which were a number of labs where Terry scientists worked, dressed in protective blue lab suits. The lab tanks contained spiders of different shapes and sizes.

  The lazy tarantula-type spiders, imported from Earth, had just been fed and the scientists didn’t expect them to be much use for at least a few days. The spiders that were interesting the Chief Scientist and her colleagues were the Cavalier spiders from the planet Phoenix. One of the silver creatures had a tiny video camera - a webcam - strapped to the top of its abdomen. A number of small dead flies were placed outside the tank, and Max, the spider carrying the webcam, slowly dragged one leg in front of the other towards the flies, struggling
underneath the weight of the camera. He eventually made it to the dead flies and managed to drag one back into the tank.

  ‘I’m absolutely shattered. My legs are killing me, my abdomen is sore and I feel like I could sleep for a week. Oi, can you get this thing off me now. Pleeeease?’

  The Terry Chief Scientist, Pamela Birdflu, nodded to one of her subordinates and he carefully removed the webcam from Max.

  ‘Aaah, lovely.’

  Max wiggled his elegant silver body and moved to the corner of his tank.

  ‘A little kip then a quick power lunch and some more training I expect.’

  He looked at the fly in disgust and tried to think of its nourishment value, rather than the taste of the insect. Before being captured by the Bundrils on Phoenix, Max had been a vegetarian and had eaten only the green leaves of some of the planet’s flora. He smiled in memory of those innocent long-gone days.

  The scientists nodded their heads and Max settled down for a well-earned rest.

  The tests proved to Pamela that the spiders were intelligent beings and instead of providing tasty snacks for her fellow Terries, could be put to good use. Pamela and her team had observed that Max appeared to be the leader of his small group of spiders and she approached him with the idea. It was a no-brainer for Max; be eaten or trained to spy on a species from the planet Earth – he’d have to think about that one! Besides, he loved travelling and visiting different planets and he’d survived Largo. Who knows, maybe they’d be kind to spiders on this new planet. He hoped so as it looked like he’d spend some time there.

  So the training had begun. Max often wondered what sort of simple creatures the Terries had worked with before as the smallest step forward in the training programme always impressed them beyond measure.

  It hadn’t taken long for Max to get used to the technology and weight of the webcam, and to be able to use it without any hitches, along with the microphone and recording equipment. Then came the communications systems and Max and his new friend Vicky were taught how to use them and how to talk to each other out of line of sight.

  It was hard work, but nothing compared to their former lives on Phoenix. If left alone and barring accidents, Cavaliers could expect to live very long and healthy lives. This had not been the case for Max’s family who had died from exhaustion due to their ill-treatment.

  The homes on Phoenix used spider silk in their construction. The Bundrils extracted silk from the spiders in a brutal fashion. Most survived the ordeal for a few months but could not cope with the constant abuse of their bodies, long working hours and lack of nourishment.

  They enjoyed the trip to Largo but despair soon set in when they discovered they were destined to be tasty morsels for the Terries. Max would be eternally grateful to Pamela Birdflu for recognising the potential of his species and thereby saving them from a Terry smorgasbord.

  Following the impressive success with Max and Vicky, thousands of Cavalier spiders were trained in the use of the webcam and radio communication system. It wasn’t just a fluke and the scientists were pleased to see that all the spiders were intelligent and quickly understood what was required.

  Whilst this training was taking place in one lab, the Phoenix Jacoby spiders were being trained in aggression and security techniques in another. This training was slower as the Jacobies, whilst strong and fit, were less intelligent than the smaller Cavaliers. The Jacobies would be used to protect the less thuggish Cavaliers, and the equipment in the main operations area of each stakeout, to deliver messages from A to B and to carry out any other duties as and when ordered to do so.

  Both species were taught escape and evasion techniques, how to work in a team, and self-discipline. They had a strict chain of command to follow with Max as the leader. He was given authority to appoint his deputies and they in turn to appoint their deputies and team leaders.

  Three months later, sufficient numbers of spiders had been trained and were ready to deploy to Earth. The first pod, looking like a car roof ski-box landed in Graylesford, England. Max was the first to exit ordering his regiment of 650 spiders to follow tout suite.

  The initial orders Max received were to familiarise his spiders with the local area, hole up and acclimatise his regiment to the new planet.

  The pod landed and Max checked the time box. April 1941. They were over 50 years out but he decided to have a look around anyway. Max quickly and efficiently ordered the Jacobies to secure the area. He’d appointed Julian as the senior Jacoby and head of security for the entire operation and Julian soon confirmed that all was safe.

  Vicky was appointed as Max’s second in command and he told her to get the pod ready to leave at short notice whilst Max scouted the area with a small incursion team. They saw a few lights and heard noises coming from the same area; an establishment on the corner of a street. The spiders discreetly entered and Max turned on his camera. An adult man was on one knee holding the hand of a woman and she was crying. The man placed a ring on one of the woman’s fingers and the clientele in the establishment clapped and cheered. The man and woman hugged and all the people started to drink and sing. Max sensed something interesting was happening and decided to hang around for a while.

  A little later the spiders returned to the pod and Max set the time box for the late 20th century, hoping it would work properly this time.

  They landed and set up a temporary HQ in a local park. Comms were checked and Max received orders to find and occupy 20 suitable places and observe and comment on the residents or visitors. His team would then transmit the observations back to the Terry scientists. The decision on how Max was to deploy his workforce was left entirely up to him, as long as 20 places were put under surveillance. Max decided to put 20 Cavaliers to work in each location with 10 Jacobies providing security, aggression where required, and general duties as ordered by the Cavaliers. Max was well respected by his subordinates and had, in their opinion, struck an excellent balance with the shift system which would enable each spider to have plenty of time off for rest and exploration between shifts.

  Not forgetting the seriousness of the mission, Max kept approximately 50 spiders in reserve in case of accidents or attack from the unknown creatures of the new planet.

  Before setting up in each location, Max had to ensure that the resident Earth spiders were evicted. Some of the more aggressive types tried causing problems, but as soon as they met the Jacobies they realised that resistance was pointless and moved on. The only real problem that Max encountered was with a wuss called Gary at his HQ home.

  Max encountered the spider which appeared to live behind the wardrobe in a bedroom of the ground floor flat, on a university campus. Of the few glimpses he’d had it looked large with thick legs and a solid abdomen. Erring on the side of caution Max decided to take Julian and another Jacoby along with him to assist with the eviction.

  ‘Hello, my name is Max and I need to speak to you as a matter of urgency.’ No response so Max tried a different tack.

  ‘Come out now, or I’ll send the boys in to drag you out.’

  That did the trick and Max heard a squeaky voice.

  ‘OK, but promise you won’t hurt me.’

  ‘I won’t hurt you. I need to speak to you.’

  He crept out into the open and although almost as large as the Jacobies, screwed his legs up to make himself look smaller. Before Max had a chance to explain the situation, the spider started whinging.

  ‘I haven’t done anything wrong. I’m just living here minding my own business.’

  ‘What’s your name?’ Asked Max.

  ‘Gary.’ He whimpered.

  ‘Right, Gary, for reasons you don’t need to know I’m evicting you from this property. You need to find yourself a new home. I understand this may be inconvenient but the other spider residents of this home have moved upstairs and you may want to join them there.’

  ‘No, no, no I can’t move.’ Gary was getting hysterical. ‘I’m agoraphobic and can’t go outside the door. Please let m
e stay, I won’t be any trouble. If you make me go it will kill me.’

  ‘You won’t even have to go outside. Just walk out of the door and up the stairs, it’s that easy.’

  While he was explaining Max noticed that Gary had started shaking

  ‘I’m sorry, Gary but it’s the only way. You have to leave.’ Max hadn’t anticipated this reaction and certainly didn’t want this pathetic creature to come to any harm.

  Gary, sensing Max hesitate burbled on.

  ‘It’s been like this since Sebastian left. He came here from Scotland accidentally transported when he was living in a suitcase. It was love at first sight for me but I could sense Seb’s unrest after a couple of months. One day I woke up, and he’d gone and I’ve been on my own and frightened to go outside the door ever since.’

  ‘So you prefer males to females then?’ Max hadn’t met a gay spider before, but then again he hadn’t met many Earth spiders.

  ‘You’re not homophobic are you?’ Max didn’t have a clue what this meant but said he wasn’t anyway.

  ‘Right, Gary. I do sympathise with you but I’ve an important mission to carry out here. This is what’s going to happen. My boys will escort you upstairs and introduce you to some of the resident spiders there. As a personal favour we’ll fit you with a panic alarm and if you feel threatened, you can press the button and the boys will come and assist you. But I warn you to only use the alarm if your life is in danger.’

  Gary was not happy.

  ‘I absolutely refuse to go.’

  Max had run out of patience.

  ‘Fine. I’ll have you forcibly evicted and you won’t get any protection from us at all.’ Max nodded to Julian who radioed for a few more helpers, he had a feeling this one was going to be trouble.

  ‘Can I have one final night here, please?’

  Max knew that would only give him more time to worry. He believed that Gary was stuck in a rut and by being cruel to be kind, Gary would be better off in the long run.