An Alien's Guide to the Human Species Page 14

  ‘I take it you’re Caroline? Charmed I’m sure. Don’t be upset, I have your mother’s best interests at heart.’ Bunny tried for the charm offensive but it didn’t seem to be working.

  Caroline couldn’t work out why this man was standing with a towel around him, acting as if he were at a cocktail party.

  ‘I’ll be back in a tick, old bean and we’ll have a nice chat.’ Bunny disappeared into the bedroom.

  Jean walked into the room and smacked Bunny’s bum as she passed him. Caroline noted thankfully that she was dressed.

  ‘I see you’ve met Bunny. Lovely isn’t he? And he looks after me really well.’

  ‘He says he’s your Significant Other but he’s younger than me for God’s sake.’ Caroline was fuming and raised her voice.

  ‘In fact, he’s probably young enough to be your grandson.’

  Junior instructed his team to carry on filming and walked over to Max.

  ‘Shall I order the troops to wear their body armour, Boss? Looks as if it could kick off any minute.’

  ‘We’re talking about Caroline here Junior, she teaches children for goodness sake and she definitely doesn’t get violent.’

  Junior was amazed that Max still had a soft spot for Caroline, especially as she couldn’t stand spiders and Max had been on the receiving end of her dislike on more than one occasion. He reminded Max of this.

  ‘It’s not that she doesn’t like us.’ Max explained as if talking to a child. ‘Like most human females she’s frightened of us and fear makes people do stupid things. I’m sure we’ll find a way to help them overcome this fear in the future.’

  ‘How do you plan on doing that, Boss?’

  ‘Haven’t you got work to do, Junior?’ Junior knew when to leave it and scuttled back to his team.

  Caroline lowered her voice. ‘Seriously, Mam. He’s nearly half your age. Are you insane?’

  ‘Lighten up, darling. I’m having fun, not committing murder and he’s 22 years of age, not a child. You can be such a prude at times.’ Jean filled the kettle.

  Caroline shook her head and took some mugs out of the cupboard. ‘You’ll be a laughing stock for God’s sake. Think about what you’re doing, please.’

  Jean had had enough.

  ‘Look, love. If people want to think badly of me, that’s their lookout. We’re both single and committed to each other. We’re not doing any harm and Bunny is lovely, he thinks the world of me. Can’t you just be happy for me?’

  ‘OK.’ Caroline was starting to see her mother’s point. After all, she’d got used to her father’s arm candy, so why not her mother’s toyboy.

  ‘Do you know you’re officially a cougar now?’

  They both laughed and when Bunny returned the atmosphere was a lot less frosty.

  Max commented for the film. ‘Cougar is a slang term for older women who seek to mate with considerably younger men. These men are often called cubs. Cougar animals are predatory mountain lions but as far as our research has shown, they tend to mate with other mountain lions of the same or similar ages.’

  Caroline decided to delay giving her mother the news of her pregnancy and made her way home. By the time she parked the car outside her house she was resigned to the fact that her mother was having a serious relationship with a younger man. She sometimes felt like the parent as her mother behaved like a difficult teenager. And she had all that yet to come!

  ‘Mammy, mammy, ice cream.’ Jack showed Caroline his empty bowl and went back to the cartoons on the TV.

  ‘Hello, darling, how’s your mother?’

  ‘Sit down, Phil, you’re not going to believe this.’ Caroline looked really peaky and Phil was concerned.

  ‘Cuppa tea, love?’

  ‘I’m all teed out. I’ll cut to the chase. My mother’s a cougar and her toyboy’s a posh 22 year old called Bunny.’

  Phil laughed and slapped his thigh. ‘Good old Jean. You’ve got to admire her.’

  ‘Am I the only sensible one in this family? I’m tired and I’m going for a bath.’

  ‘Hang on a minute. What’s he like this Bunny, come and tell me all about it.’

  ‘You’ll find out next Saturday, Phil, I’ve invited them both to dinner.’

  ‘But your father and Jolene are coming so are Mam and Dad. Oh Christ.’

  ‘Not so funny now then, Phil.’ Shouted Caroline from halfway up the stairs.

  Vicky finished filming and was also curious to meet the man named after a little furry animal.

  *****

  To try and stop any bickering, Phil had pre-warned his mother of Jean and Bunny’s attendance at the dinner.

  ‘That woman gets more and more ridiculous.’ Phil could hear Donna tutting over the phone.

  ‘She’s not done anything wrong, Mam. She is single after all and they’re not hurting anyone.’

  ‘You would take her side over mine.’

  Phil was exasperated. ‘Look. I’m not taking anybody’s side OK. I’m trying to be fair and hoping that everyone will get on. Will you try, please?’

  ‘Of course I will. It’s not me who starts the trouble.’

  No but you don’t go out of your way to avoid it either, thought Phil as he hung up the phone.

  *****

  Martin and Jolene were the first to arrive for dinner followed by Trevor and Donna. Drinks were served and there was an air of anticipation as they waited, curious about Bunny. Phil answered the doorbell and all eyes turned to the living room entrance as Donna and Bunny entered.

  ‘Caroline how marvellous to see you again, you look absolutely stunning.’ Bunny kissed Caroline on both cheeks and her mother did the same. Caroline was taken aback as her and her mother didn’t often display affection publicly.

  ‘And this must be Phil, darned handsome chap what, Jean’s told me so much about you. My you are tall.’ Bunny and Phil shook hands and Jean air kissed Phil on both cheeks which surprised him as this was a first.

  ‘Allow me to introduce my parents.’ Phil couldn’t believe he’d said that and all his family stared at him. Bunny either hadn’t noticed the bemused faces, or had pretended not to.

  ‘This is my father, Trevor and my mother Donna.’ Bunny shook their hands, said. How do you do old chap. and charmed I’m sure. to Donna.

  ‘You look really familiar, Bunny, have we met before?’ Donna couldn’t quite place him but was convinced that she knew Bunny.

  ‘I think not, dear lady. I would never forget a face such as yours had our paths crossed before.’ Bunny took her hand and kissed it.

  Donna put her hand to her face and giggled like a young girl and Trevor rolled his eyes then asked. ‘What kind of work are you in then, Bunny.’

  Jean threw Bunny a look and he picked up the imperceptible shake of her head. ‘I’m in the entertainment business.’ Before the conversation developed further, Caroline interrupted. ‘And this is my father Martin, Bunny, and his wife Jolene.’

  Martin had watched the performance so far and was beginning to feel like they were waiting to be introduced to royalty. ‘How do you do.’ Bunny shook hands with both of them. ‘Very pleased to make your acquaintance.’

  Bunny resisted the urge to tell Martin he’d heard lots about him.

  Before they could talk further Bunny felt something tugging at his trousers and looked down to see Jack. ‘And you must be Jack. Hello, little fella.’ He picked him up and swung him around and the mutual admiration was instant.

  Max and Vicky were filming the event so Max stayed downstairs and Vicky followed the boys upstairs. A number of off-duty spiders were also in attendance purely out of curiosity and were rubber-necking at the door to get a good look at Bunny.

  Jack wanted to show Bunny his toys before going to bed so Bunny and Phil went upstairs with Jack while the others chatted amongst themselves. Donna was determined to try hard with Jean to please her son. ‘He seems really nice, a bit young, but lovely.’

  ‘Why couldn’t you leave it at really nice, you have to ha
ve a dig don’t you? Jealous I suppose. No offence, Trevor.’

  ‘None taken.’ Trevor could see that it was going to kick off and wanted to avoid the usual nastiness between his wife and Caroline’s mother.

  ‘Was that Jack calling you, love?’ Donna took the hint and went to see what her grandson was up to with Phil and Bunny. Caroline grabbed her mother’s arm in a not too gentle fashion.

  ‘Mam, we’re all trying really hard. Give Donna a break eh?’

  Jean smiled. ‘She’s jealous sweetheart. I’m sorry but she irritates the hell out of me.’

  ‘Mother!’

  ‘Sorry but we don’t like each other. I promise I’ll try harder. Now, why don’t you tell me when the baby’s due?’

  Caroline smiled realising she couldn’t fool her mother. ‘How did you notice? It’s early days.’

  ‘I know it’s only a little bump, Caroline but I’m not blind. Is this what you really want, darling?’

  ‘More than anything else. Our family’s going to be complete.’

  Jean could see that Caroline was glowing.

  ‘That’s wonderful then and I’m so pleased for you all. Have you had your scan yet?’

  ‘Too early to say whether it’s a boy or girl but I’ll let you know.’ The women hugged and shared a rare moment of mutual affection. Caroline was so pleased that all outside influences could be forgotten for the time being and all that mattered was her, her mother, and her baby.

  ‘Enough about me, Mam. How are you and are you really happy with Bunny?’ The intimacy had passed and Jean didn’t feel ready yet to tell Caroline everything about her relationship.

  ‘All’s well, love. By the way, who’s cooking tonight?’

  ‘Don’t worry, Phil’s done the dinner nobody’s going to get poisoned.’

  Jean would have laughed if Martin’s food poisoning had been slightly less stressful after their last visit when Caroline decided to show them that she could actually cook. His hospital stay had been short, but very uncomfortable according to Jolene.

  ‘Good. Shall we join the others and I promise to be on my best behaviour.’

  ‘And that’s a wrap.’ The filming stopped and off the spiders went to the Cutting Room.

  ‘Doesn’t Bunny talk like Piers?’ Vicky said and Max agreed.

  ‘Oh, I haven’t thought about Piers for ages.’ Max shook his head and smiled. ‘I hope he made the right decision.’

  ‘I’m sure he did. He took a risk on love and I hope it paid off.’ Said Vicky.

  ‘If he’s half as happy as I am, he’ll be fine.’

  Max was very rarely romantic or demonstrative so comments like this were like precious jewels to Vicky. She hugged him until he told her he had to come up for air.

  Chapter 13

  Geraldine and the Green Vultures produced brilliant footage of the birth of Jack’s baby sister. Max told Geraldine how impressed he was with the film.

  ‘I have to confess, I had some help.’ Said Geraldine.

  Max raised an eyebrow.

  ‘Clive was at the hospital so he offered to help. As you know he’s brilliant with the webcam so I thought I’d take him up on his kind offer.’

  Max wracked his brains wondering why Clive would be at the hospital on his day off.

  He mentioned it to Vicky later on.

  ‘For such a brilliant leader, my love you can be obtuse.’

  Vicky had obviously worked something out and was not sharing.

  ‘Go on then, Sherlock, spill.’

  ‘Well. Have you noticed how happy Clive is lately, and he’s back to his normal self with us?’

  ‘Yes, and?’

  ‘And have you noticed how pleasant Geraldine is these days, always concerned for the welfare of her team, and indeed, the spiders outside her team?’

  ‘Come on, Vic.’ Max was not the most patient of spiders. ‘Just tell me OK.’

  ‘Cupid’s arrow has hit both Geraldine and Clive and they’re an item.’

  Of course, it was obvious. ‘Well I’ll be…’

  Vicky interrupted. ‘Shall we finish this scene?’

  Max added the narrative. ‘Jack’s baby sister was born three months before Jack’s third birthday and Caroline had to be cut open for the baby to be taken out this time. This is known as a caesarean after the ancient Roman law of cutting open mothers who had died before being able to give birth naturally. Back with Phil and Caroline who have decided to call their baby daughter Jemima. Jack is very possessive of his parents and takes quite a while getting used to sharing their attention with his new sister.’

  Caroline’s stitches had healed and the family were preparing for a day out in the local park. Max had decided to make a day of it and took along Vicky and 12 other spiders. They’d brought a picnic and there was a party atmosphere amongst the teams as they followed the family.

  The parents were chatting and Caroline was pushing the pram. Jack was making horrible faces at his sister, and his Dad noticed he was about to put a worm into his sister’s mouth.

  ‘Whoa. Give me that worm at once!’ Phil took the worm and threw it into the bushes. He looked sternly at his son. ‘Why are you trying to feed a worm to Jemima?’

  Jack studied the small stones on the path and shuffled a few of them with his shoe. ‘She looked hungry.’

  ‘What’s wrong with you, child? That could poison your sister! Are you completely mad?’ Caroline was very tired and didn’t realise she was shouting

  Jack’s bottom lip started quivering and Phil sent him to feed the ducks. Caroline calmed down and laughed self-consciously at her outburst.

  Max. ‘Jack is jealous of all the attention his new sister is receiving from his parents.’

  Come on everyone, back to the house and we’ll do the rest from there. The spiders finished their picnic and cleared up. They’d had a lovely day and intended to carry on with the fun once home.

  Max quickly put the rushes together and watched the next scenes, before joining-in the fun with the others.

  Max. ‘Jealousy isn’t a particularly attractive human trait Terries, especially misplaced jealousy.’

  Two good looking women were sitting separately in a posh bar at night, they didn’t know each other. Woman one was sipping champagne, she was well dressed with beautifully styled hair, lovely jewellery and the latest manicured nails. Surrounded by a cluster of men, she was laughing and they were mesmerised. When she talked they hung on her every word; she had a rich, deep voice.

  ‘No football tonight, boys, aren’t I the lucky one? God you’re all so macho.’ Each man tried to look better than the man standing next to him.

  She crossed one leg over the other and giggled, leaning forward and showing some cleavage as she did so.

  Woman two was very pretty but not so richly dressed and accessorised. She was sipping her own drink through a straw and wondering how she could get the same attention as the other woman was obviously enjoying. Both moved to go to the ladies.

  Woman one licked her lips and flicked her hair back.

  ‘Don’t go anywhere, boys, I’ll be back.’ She slithered off the stool and all eyes followed her.

  The men puffed up like peacocks, each wanting her to notice him.

  In the ladies, both women had used the toilet. While woman two was checking her make up in the mirror, she noticed woman one exit the toilet and re-adjust the contents of her underwear; the woman was obviously a man! He washed his hands, re-applied his make-up and winked at woman two.

  ‘Jase, pleased to meet you.’ He said and offered his hand. Carla shook his hand and hers was nearly crushed. Jase left the ladies room and rejoined his group of admirers. Carla left the ladies and walked back to the bar laughing. She received a number of strange looks from the men in the company of Jase and he gave her another wink.

  Max. ‘It’s worth knowing that everything is not always what it seems when it comes to the human species. Meanwhile, back to our lovely family and Jack is now 3. The government will pay for h
im to have 15 hours of education a week and Jack’s parents think he’s old enough to start in the nursery. The nursery is a daycare facility for preschool-age children. In the nursery Jack will learn how to socialise with other children, meet new adults and also learn how to care and share. Up until now, Jack has mostly had to think of himself, now he’ll start to learn to think about others. Jack doesn’t begin his formal education in school until he’s 5 years old.’

  It was morning at the Three Bears Nursery. Jack had been playing up and he didn’t want to go to the nursery. He was crying as he approached the end of the path at the nursery. He was still jealous of his sister and believed he was being made to go to nursery so that his mother could give all her attention to Jemima. Caroline hunkered down to his eye-level, trying to console Jack.

  ‘You’ll enjoy yourself, Jack. You’ll meet lots of other little boys and girls and have a lovely time, and you’ll learn lots of new stuff as well.’

  ‘Why doesn’t Jemima have to go?’

  Jemima was sleeping in her pram, totally oblivious to everything.

  ‘She’s not old enough yet, Jack.’

  Mrs Thomas, the lady in charge of the Three Bears nursery appeared at the door and nodded to Caroline to leave Jack.

  Caroline tried to put on a brave face. ‘Look, Jack, she looks like Marge Simpson, everything will be fine.’

  Mrs Thomas smiled at Jack and Caroline. She walked down the path towards them and reached out her hand to Jack.

  ‘My Mam says you look like Marge Simpson.’

  Absolute silence as Caroline reddened from her neck up to her forehead.

  Caroline and Mrs Thomas exchanged a few stilted words and Caroline said goodbye. Mrs Thomas nodded her head and smiled at Caroline, the smile not reaching her eyes. Caroline walked away pushing Jemima in her pushchair, laughing at Jack’s comment and her own embarrassment but also crying and not turning around to wave goodbye. She didn’t want Jack to see her tears. Jack remained standing at the nursery door holding Mrs Thomas’s hand and balling his eyes out.