An Alien's Guide to the Human Species Page 13

  ‘You were lucky not to have broken anything Uncle Archie.’ Felicity commented. ‘It must have been awful.’

  ‘Aye lass it was. But that’s not the end of it.’

  ‘You mean there’s more?’ Camilla said.

  Archie ignored the sarcasm and continued.

  ‘To add insult to injury, we had to cross a small stream on the way back to the camp and I slipped again and was soaked from head to foot. I lost my sense of humour at this stage and when Jake said we should get me an ambulance when we arrived back at camp, I insisted that I was OK and wanted to get back to Helen. I was in a foreign country and didn’t fancy a stay in hospital, even if it was only overnight.’

  Camilla wracked her brain. There was nothing in her anecdotal experience that could compete with what Archie had said so she sulked and remained uncharacteristically silent.

  Henrietta flushed the chain, washed her hands and checked herself in the mirror. She felt a lot better now and returned to the dining room with trepidation. The company had forgotten about Henrietta’s embarrassing exit while listening to Archie’s story and Henrietta was happy to see that nothing appeared to be out of the ordinary. She breathed a sigh of relief on returning to her place at the table.

  Mike ran from the toilet gasping for air. He’d held his breath for as long as he could but eventually had to breathe and the smell seemed to permeate his whole being. It had taken every ounce of willpower and determination to stay in the room until the smelly human had left. If a superior officer offered a mask in future, he would say thanks and take it!

  The filming finished and the spiders prepared to pack up ready to leave with Helen and Archie the following day. Clive asked Geraldine to leave her team so they could compare mission notes.

  ‘Well done, Geraldine. We’ve got some fantastic footage to take back with us.’

  ‘Thanks, Clive.’ She smiled. ‘I have done this before you know.’

  ‘Of course.’ He realised he sounded patronising and changed the subject. ‘Would you like to travel with me tomorrow? We haven’t really had a chance to get to know each other.’

  Geraldine frowned.

  ‘Oh, I’m sorry.’ Clive hoped he hadn’t blown it. ‘I know I’ll enjoy your company and…’

  ‘It’s OK.’ Geraldine interrupted. ‘I’d love to but I thought you and Vicky were an item and I wouldn’t want to give her the wrong impression.’

  Clive was relieved. ‘Actually our relationship was always platonic and Vicky’s with Max now. While we’re on the subject, I thought you had a thing for Max?’

  ‘I hardly know you, Clive. Some girls might consider that a bit forward.’

  Clive thought he’d blown it again but then Geraldine laughed.

  ‘For what it’s worth, I did try and date Max but it was just a flirtation and I was never really serious.’ She put a leg on Clive’s. ‘He’s not really my type.’

  Clive presented Max with the dinner party footage two days later and Max sensed a new spring in his step.

  ‘Good trip?’

  ‘Fine thanks, Boss. All well here?’

  They chatted briefly, Clive telling Max that Geraldine had returned to the hospital and that they’d split the Green Buzzard team between them. Max was happy with that and Clive left looking forward to his long weekend and some female company.

  Max finished the editing and Vicky brought him some tea. The spiders didn’t like hot drinks but with the exception of Clive whose weakness was coffee, they all loved cold tea.

  ‘Mmmm. Thanks, Vic, I needed that. The change of location seems to have done Clive the world of good.’ Max yawned. It had been a long day. ‘Right, over to the night shift, see you all tomorrow.’ They said their goodnights and the day shift retired for the night.

  Chapter 11

  Max. ‘Back to Jack’s progress and he’s now nearly 8 months old. He can say the odd word that his parents can interpret and it’s common for humans to want their offspring to say their name first.’

  ‘Ada, Ama.’

  ‘He said Dada first, he said Dada, yes he said Dada first!!!!’ Phil was overjoyed, but it didn’t last long.

  ‘Actually, Phil he said Mama when you were in work last week.’

  ‘No way, you would have told me.’ Phil was deflated.

  ‘Didn’t want to upset you, darling.’ Caroline looked smug.

  ‘That’s so wrong, you could be making it up as far as I know.’

  ‘Are you accusing me of lying?’

  Phil knew this was dangerous ground. ‘Darling, of course not, just joking.’

  ‘Oh, Phil. That’s OK, it’s understandable. I expect because I’m at home before you he’s bound to say Mama first. Don’t look so disappointed.’

  Caroline felt a little guilty. Sometimes she wished she was a little less competitive but put it down to the fact that it was probably genetic so she couldn’t help herself.

  Max. ‘Genes are part of the human make-up which are inherited from ancestors and can determine physical traits and characteristics, like Phil and Jack’s fingers for example. Humans sometimes use genes as an excuse for their bad behaviour.’

  ‘Jack’s parents have noticed that he’s started teething and this has nothing to do with anybody’s genes.’

  Jack was crawling around the floor while Caroline was trying to read a magazine and Phil was watching the match on the TV. Caroline looked at her son and it was as if he was a snail. She could see where he’d crawled as there was a trail of spittle behind him. Everything he touched he automatically put into his mouth.

  ‘Phil, I think his baby teeth are coming through. Keep an eye on him while I clean up the mess please.’

  Phil on autopilot. ‘Yes, sweetheart.’

  Caroline shouted. ‘Phil, Phil.’

  ‘What the, what’s up, what’s happened?’

  ‘Just trying to get your attention, darling. I said I think Jack’s teething and he’s made a mess on the floor. Take your eyes off the telly and watch your son while I clean up please.’

  ‘No worries. Shall I clean up?’

  ‘What’ve you done with my real husband?’

  ‘Very funny. ‘ To the baby. ‘Is Jacky wacky growing teethy weethy?’

  ‘Wa wa wa mmmm.’ Answered Jack.

  Max. ‘Jack’s jaw is starting to grow teeth and this can be very painful for Jack and upsetting and irritating for his parents. Humans need teeth so that they can chew their food before swallowing it and this can stop them from becoming constipated. New babies and really old people don’t need teeth because they can eat pureed food.’

  ‘We fast forward in time and Jack is now 10 months old. He’s started crawling. It’s the weekend so Phil has a day off and the family are enjoying a barbecue. They’ve invited some friends and family over… ‘

  Max knew that Liz and Brian had a dog and that it was likely that he would accompany them to the barbecue. He’d had to change the shift rosters so that more Jacoby spiders were available for this event. Having studied the creatures, Max was aware that some were gentle and friendly, but others could be violent and aggressive. He hoped this dog was one of the former but had ensured that all teams were on high alert and were wearing their new body armour. The ingenious Jacoby Julian had designed the armour for the spiders out of old plastic bottles collected from rubbish dumps. The armour offered extra protection but meant the spiders were less agile, due to the extra weight.

  Max. ‘Humans sometimes have barbecues in the summer months when they think the weather is going to be fine. Essentially, they cook their food on a device outdoors, instead of cooking indoors which they do when the weather isn’t good. The males like to take charge of the cooking outside when sometimes they’re not interested in cooking inside.’

  Barbecue preparations were in progress and Phil and Caroline were chatting to Liz and Brian who’d brought their dog Floyd with them. Phil’s mother walked into the kitchen from the living room. His father was watching motor sport on the TV. Jack crawl
ed at super speed out of the kitchen into the child-friendly garden, unimpeded by his fused fingers. He was repeating a word meaningless to the visitors and was being chased by a happy Floyd.

  Luckily for the spiders, Floyd was a big dopey Golden Retriever. He’d almost deafened them with his barking so Max had ensured all spiders on duty were issued with ear defenders and they were allowed to remove their body armour. Max was an excellent leader and cared deeply for the welfare of his subordinates.

  Caroline was excited. ‘Look, Jack’s talking, he’s saying doggie!’

  ‘Not only is the boy as fast as lightening but he’s got fantastic coordination. Talking and speed crawling at the same time and he’s only 10 months old!’ Phil said.

  ‘I know you all think we’re biased, but this actually proves that Jack’s special and very gifted.’ Caroline smiled, proud of her talented baby.

  Liz and Brian exchanged a private here we go again look then nodded and smiled politely at the parents. Liz squeezed Brian’s arm, as a warning for him not to say a word.

  In the garden Floyd had just licked his privates. Jack’s giggling caught the adults’ attention and they looked through the kitchen window into the garden where Floyd was tickling Jack’s face with his tongue.

  Max. ‘Luckily for humans, they have what is called an immune system which means that little germs, which are invisible to the human eye, don’t always make them ill. In case you were wondering, germs are tiny invaders of the human body that can make it very sick.’

  ‘Trevor and Donna had a lovely time at the barbecue. Grandparents enjoy telling their friends how clever their relatives are…’

  A week later, Donna and her 3 old friends, Ethel, Doris and Brittney were at the bus stop, waiting for the bus to take them to bingo.

  ‘The barbecue was lovely, perfect food and Jack’s going to be so clever, just like his Dad.’

  ‘What was he doing then?’ Doris asked.

  Brittney rolled her eyes at Ethel and mouthed. ‘She had to go and ask didn’t she?’

  ‘Not only can he move and talk at the same time, but he was actually speed crawling and speaking AT THE SAME TIME!’

  ‘NEVER!’ Commented the ladies in unison, but Doris didn’t have a clue what Donna was talking about. ‘Er, speed crawling?’

  Crawling was crawling to Donna, but speed crawling did sound pretty special. ‘Look here’s the bus, let’s have a win today then ladies.’

  Chapter 12

  Max was on his way back from the hospital to the Ops Room after dealing with a HR issue. The HR issue, Mike, was in tow and they’d shared a ride with a family in the same street who’d been visiting an elderly relative.

  ‘Right, Mike. Here’s how it is. The baby’s about to start potty training and you’re going to be responsible for capturing his progress on film.’

  Max explained potty training.

  ‘Aw, Boss, do I have to? I think that toilet experience at the dinner party has left me with the problems I’m trying to overcome.’ Mike sulked and Max rolled his eyes.

  Mike had to be removed from the hospital team as he had fainted the first time he filmed blood and remained too squeamish to be an effective hospital team member. Mike was good with the camera and had a natural bent for sorting out mechanical problems with the equipment, but all this was useless if he was unable to carry out his primary task.

  ‘Get a grip, Mike, you’re now on an official warning and if you don’t improve, you might well find yourself on the next transport to Largo.’

  Jack was toddling around the kitchen while his mother finished tidying up the breakfast dishes. He was holding his plastic cup and had finished a sip of juice.

  ‘Po pe, po pe.’

  ‘Just a minute, darling.’ Caroline dried her hands and hurried to pick up Jack and put him on the potty.

  ‘Here we go, darling.’ As Caroline swung Jack across to the potty, she was too late and the mess trailed from one end of the kitchen to the other looking like a mucky stream.

  ‘Ooops, heck. Never mind, Jack. Let’s get you cleaned up and we’ll put a nappy on you for now while I sort this out.’

  Jack mimicked his mother. ‘Oops, nap, napp.’

  ‘Oops indeed, Jack.’

  ‘Lovely.’ Muttered Mike as he captured the scene to perfection. It was bad, but so far, it hadn’t been quite as bad as he’d anticipated.

  A few weeks later Jack was toddling around in the kitchen. His mother sensed that he needed to go.

  ‘Potty, Jack?’

  ‘Poteee. Story.’

  Jack made his own way to the potty and Caroline got a picture book from the book box and gave it to Jack when he sat on the potty. Jack saw a picture of a little man in his car.

  ‘What’s that, Jack? Brrm, brrrm.’

  ‘Brrrm car, brrm.’

  He flicked the page over to see a farmer and some animals.

  ‘Moo, moo, Jack, baaah, baaah.’

  Jack giggled and did his business while flicking the pages over.

  Remembering the nightmare toilet episode at the dinner party, Mike was better prepared. Jack was on the potty in the kitchen and Mike used the telephoto lens on the webcam and filmed from the living room. For extra protection, he also wore a mask.

  Max was pleased with the results and took Mike off his warning, but instructed him not to become blasé.

  Max. ‘Jack was now 20 months old and the hospital consultant, Mr Baxter decided that, as he was big and strong for his age, it was safe to carry out the minor operation to separate his fingers. Caroline and Phil were waiting for Jack to regain consciousness after his operation.’

  Geraldine and her team were filming at the hospital.

  ‘When will he wake up?’ Caroline was almost sick with worry.

  ‘He’ll wake up when he’s ready sweetheart, you know Mr Baxter said we should try not to worry.’ Phil was doing his best to reassure Caroline, but, in reality, he was as concerned as she was.

  Jack’s operation was a complete success and he made a full recovery, without any adverse side effects.

  Max. ‘Jack’s now well into what the humans call the terrible twos and he’s trying to impose his individuality on his parents and form his own personality.

  A few months later Jack’s noticed a bump in his mother’s stomach. One night when Caroline and Phil returned from a night out, Phil didn’t consume much alcohol and Caroline didn’t have a headache.’

  Phil was in the living room playing with Jack before bed time. Caroline brought drinks in from the kitchen and stretched her body.

  Jack put down his car and pointed at his mother’s stomach. ‘Mammy, big tummy.’

  ‘That’s your little brother or sister in there Jack.’ Said Phil.

  Jack looked at them both then picked up his car. ‘Brrrm, brrrm.’

  Max returned to the Ops Room, happy after a great day in work. Vicky was waiting for him.

  ‘We were right, Vic. There’s another baby on the way.’

  ‘Told you didn’t I?’ Max had speculated that Caroline had gained weight due to an increase in appetite, but Vicky had been convinced all along that she was pregnant.

  ‘Remember our deal?’ Vicky asked.

  ‘No need to be smug, my love. I planned on us moving in together whether you won the bet or not.’ They kissed and decided to move Vicky’s belongings straight away.

  This wouldn’t take long as the spiders had very few home comforts. Those they did have included beds, made of cotton wool which was also used for blankets on the colder nights. Most of them used thimbles to drink out of but used leaves as plates and disposed of them once they’d finished eating. They scavenged the kitchen daily for food so unless something special like the odd Malteser was wanted, they didn’t keep food in their quarters. All spiders were issued with a webcam which doubled as a storage facility for music and books, and they could also use the library, so they had everything they needed. If they wanted to watch human television, one of them would discreetly film
what was required or the spiders would use the television whilst the family were out of the house.

  Vicky was the happiest she’d ever been and, cuddled up to Max that night. She silently thanked the Terries for not eating her and sending her to Earth instead.

  *****

  Caroline wanted to share the good news with their families. Donna and Trevor were over the moon for them and so were Martin and Jolene. Caroline had been trying to call her own mother for days but hadn’t been able to reach her. Although lately they weren’t in touch that much, by Saturday afternoon she was still a bit worried.

  ‘I’m going to go and see her Phil, make sure everything’s OK and give her our good news.’

  ‘OK. Do you want some company or shall me and Jack have a boy’s afternoon?’

  ‘Good idea. Keep his nibs entertained and I’ll be back as soon as I can.’

  Max decided that he would cover the meeting with Caroline; Junior, the Brown Owls and two Jacobies would accompany him. He quickly radioed the Ops Room and the other spiders met him in the car.

  Jean’s apartment was in a gated area near the city centre and it took Caroline about 40 minutes to drive there. The gate guard let her in and she walked up the gleaming stairs to the second floor and rang the doorbell. Silence. Caroline rang the bell again and heard movement inside.

  ‘It’s me, Mam. Can you open the door please?’

  She heard the bolt slide and the door opened. Caroline went to enter and stopped up short. A scrawny looking man wearing only a towel around his waist had opened the door.

  ‘Who on Earth are you?’ Caroline had recovered her senses and barged into the apartment.

  ‘And what have you done with my mother. Are you here, Mam, are you all right?’ Caroline scanned the lounge.

  ‘Of course she’s all right. She’s just taking a quick shower and she’ll be with us in a mo. I’m Bunny, your mother’s significant other.’

  Bunny held onto the towel with one hand and offered the other to Caroline. She ignored the gesture and looked at him, trying to mask her confusion.